Healing!

So, what do we got?

She asked the heart.

It is of someone's.

The heart replied,

It has been months and I couldn't stop the bleeding. No amount of bandage could contain it. The heart told her with its pale face.

What brought you here? She asked while gently turning it over to check.

Trust, it answered and continued. I believed another of my kind. I believed in its depth and warmth. I uncovered myself layer by layer, showing all my inner veins and wounds that I never shared to any soul on this earth. It gave back words of peace and a smile of assurance that I am safe. We both talked a lot, deeper and I divulged to it about my purpose, how I engage, what I have, and what more I need as we gently walked through many places. 

And then what happened? She asked that heart without patience anticipating a decisive event that made this death blow.

The heart explained to her,

I was fenced off abruptly. I feel like standing day and night, naked in the coldest of the primitive weather known to this earth. I feel like each of my healed wounds that I uncovered are open and bleeding again now. I feel like there are too many injuries to heal from. I feel constant tremors and seizures in me. I feel like I may not survive this. 

She whispered to the heart and said,

So be it. Don't heal. Don't try to survive. Do nothing that pains you anymore. Stay still. You are young and doing nothing, heals. 

Do you know this? The young heart asked her.

Exactly not this. But I know something like that, She answered. It didn't take months. Some things made me quick to move on. I used to water plants daily. There are trees that I remember as saplings, which I placed in the pit and filled in, decades back. They hit the moon now. They taught me that you don't need one like you to be rooted in and become vulnerable. It is enough to have an environment. And there is a place under that country gooseberry tree where I had buried a dead butterfly, keeping it on a white periwinkle flower. You need to be gentle while watering the plants over there. I alone know it. 

See, the little things that you do with your hands are vital healing parts of this life.  

The heart after listening to her asked,

Moving on quickly? Isn't it more damaging? 

Come on, little one. Anyday, standing up, surviving is better than your Chinese protest position of Tang Ping, lying this flat and watching the sky. She teased the heart.

The heart laughed out aloud, flipping to its left side. You just made a joke during an intensely painful situation, the heart said with its wide eyes sharply looking into her. 

With a smile she said, that's what happens when you grow up. Every difficult situation and every people you see is a factual joke. It is what it is. You can't undo anything and you can't change anyone. Engage, experience, and move on, with a smile and without judging. Every person has their own world and experiences that we can't understand.

And she added, lying flat is good if it strengthens your life's energy. 

The pale white heart turned a little red, unfreezing itself after that laugh. Humour, heals. 

You just glorified those so-called simple and smaller things, out of proportion just like some spiritual leaders. Right? There aren't any simple and smaller things about life, right? The heart that was lying open critically questioned her.

Okay, you think too much for your age, she laughed and said,

I don't manipulate. When in intense pain, doing those simple things, consistently is all possible for people to do. That's what one should begin with. And I agree, there is nothing simple and small about this life. It is a grand magic!

Since you have been sincere and open with your emotions, I will share with you a secret. In a situation earlier, when my life experienced a death's pain, when the trust and hope are deeply injured, when I was freezing, when I opted to be invisible, when I took comfort in a little space, shutting everything out, while sleeping most of the time, and settled in a home, I had this weird dream...

A tiger was trying to get inside to my home, that doesn't look like my real-life home. I saw that furious tiger and thought to myself that I have a gate and solid walls. So, it can't come in. Then I saw an agitated elephant walking and smashing the entire gate, the walls and the front part of my home. Now both the elephant and the tiger were in front of me, confronting me. I was there, with great fear and I sense only my parents were there in my home somewhere at the backside. To survive, I killed that tiger with dinner forks in my hand. Suddenly I saw it becoming a dish on a plate which I was still piercing into pieces. A tiger, that was furious, that was hungry, that was impulsive, that can roar, that can proficiently hunt alone, that rigidly defines its space with its claw markings, has been killed. 

Still, there is an elephant, that is ancient and massive, that is matriarchal, that has attached and deeper feelings, that is expressive, that is caring, that is protective, that is playful, that can love deeply, that can reason and think, that has a strong memory, that delivers brutal rage when harassed and threatened, that has compassion, that loves peace despite enormous strength, that has a brilliant sense of scent and hearing, that is self-aware, that can remember and grieve long, that can walk a great distance with a well-bonded group, that can create new paths, that can make an essential contribution to the ecosystem, that can lead its group not through fear but with respect and understanding,... staring at me after smashing those walls, refusing me to settle down at that little home. 

What do you do about that? The elephant. You have to live, engaging with that before resting at home.

Do you see and feel these inner energies and conscience? You can move on seamlessly when you are connected to it. She spoke to that little heart in a way like a mother to a child.

Can I hold you, so that you get warmer soon? She asked that heart with concern.

No, don't come to me if you are not committed, the heart replied.

I will talk to you and will tell you when I am leaving. A promise. Will that work? She asked.

Yes, the heart agreed.

She picked up that little heart with her hands carefully and kept it closer to her heart. She felt its beats, fast and uneven.

Will I be alright? The heart asked her.

Have that same courage. A heart that has the ability to love well always survives, she assured. 

We all wanted to be treated and valued as humans, with thoughts, with emotions, with aspirations for a space to explore, to reflect, and to evolve. But what happens if all of that emotions and aspirations are treated just as a resource to exploit, a contact to use, a number in the datasheet, and an engagement solely for a vote? Be it at home, with friends, in organizations and in the community, we disassociate, disengage, make poor decisions, corrupt the self and the surroundings, and fake many things. 

In elections, it is not always the politicians who make us feel being deceived but at every election, there are many independent contestants who wanted to be that much-needed alternative to the corrupt, exploitative, divisive, communal politics but end up being rejected by the people. What do they feel? In the past, they lose hope in engaging with and changing this community, become invisible from social space, mind their own business like you and me, or join the same party-based, corrupt, divisive, communal politics. 

Is that it? 

What are the other options? 

What is the gap between people wanting a good politician, from voting for a good politician? 

What would be the journey of an independent contestant from campaigning to delivery of the promise?

What financial strength does one need?

How a perceived solution can actually trigger a real challenge?

What should be the line of ethics for a person who contests in electoral politics?  

What should be the strategy?

What should be the attitude while committing to the responsibility of delivering good governance to the people?

What are the people's expectations, after one wins?

What is the present level of people's engagement and interest in Governance?

What are the different narratives that will be talked about the one while serving the tenure?

Why do people vote for parties and not candidates? 

What can make ours, a truly representative democracy?

All and much more were discussed at the meeting organised by Mr.Bharathi Kannan of Tambaram Makkal Kuzhu and an independent contestant of 47th ward of Tambaram Corporation. 

Voice of people addressed the participants, sharing our journey and learnings as a citizen's group working for the implementation of Area Sabha and Ward Committees in the City Corporations. We also emphasized our concern on the implementation of the people's forum to be fully representative and with inclusivity rather than making it of how it is perceived and projected presently, to be the forum for the urban elite, RWAs,... 

Mr.Nandakumar of Thannatchi explained in detail why it is necessary to empower and integrate people into the governance and how people's problems can be solved by making them the stakeholders in the process. 

The meeting was greatly enriched by the presence and address of Mrs.Rekha Ramu, Panchayat President of Pandeswaram Village who shared all of her experiences that started from organic farming to serving people as Panchayat President. She spoke extensively to the level of tiniest details on working for the social cause, challenges associated with it, contesting in electoral politics, crucial elements of electoral politics, addressing people's expectations, funds for Panchayats, support one requires from family, and answered many of the questions mentioned above. 

The participants included many ordinary citizens and candidates who contested the recent local body election
and also shared their experiences.

And the best part of the meeting, Ms.Isai's songs are still being played in my mind.

I feel there is a whole lot of interesting work the independent candidates, and the people can do together for the community.

 

I am someone who had spent a larger part of my 30s in a country, governed by BJP. Is that a problem? 

Not at all, for it exposed the real problem.

I was raised to be a conformist, meaning conditioned to be a capitalist, casteist, racist, nationalist, religious, and with mother tongue pride. Along with that, was also taught personal values like, respecting all people, being loyal, honoring promises, being kind and caring, acquiring skills, excelling in work, prioritizing savings, doing charity work to an extent, be-all and anything without compromising on family values and ethics. Here, I am made, a perfect Indian daughter with a nearly 98% compliance rate and landed at my 30 having a family promising love, a profession that has been my passion all along, and a lot of friends to have fun and laugh with.

Given the level of adherence, it should have been a happy life, right? It was, till I reached my early 30s. 

The 30s are magical, especially for an Indian woman. Not just that it take that long for you to be comfortable and participate in the decision makings of family affairs, including sex and savings, it also makes you confident enough to engage with society directly and independently. So, when BJP came to govern the country, I was in the early part of my 30s and it didn't bother me at all as I considered the event as an insignificant, regular political thing that has no place in my personal space.

But as the days passed on and as things evolved over years, I could feel the difference and the disastrous effect it made upon not just on my personal relationships with friends and family but a deep internal conflict of consciousness. 

To save space, I am going to discuss only the tiniest, personal, and optional part of our life - WhatsApp groups of family and friends!

It started in one of my school's WhatsApp groups. A friend had shared about the demise of the Prime Minister's niece, of how she was surviving by taking tuitions and doing a tailoring job, of how she was suffering from a heart ailment for long, had financial difficulties and died, of how the PM had not used his power, of how simple this human is,....'. Some had appreciated it with clapping emojis. I don't understand it. We are all part of such family relationships. Of course, he can't be held responsible for his relatives' financial or health struggles, but how can a person be credited over his niece's death? Insane and distasteful content that was. It wasn't the message that concerned me but the friends who appreciated it. The differences of blind party affiliation amongst school friends became visible, with that forwarded message. 

The demonetization messages! Friends were over each other's throats. The funny thing is people who were employees celebrated it to be the masterstroke against the business class, a war against their black money. I am surrounded by such class of people. They all got their receivables which were long pending and even advances in cash overnight. They all properly accounted(!) it and greatly benefited from demonetization. And here, you see people completely believing and celebrating the imaginary results. The differences in pragmatic thinking amongst friends became visible, with that forwarded message.

There was a message of a Samosa seller in trains who don't pay taxes on his sales. There were messages of migrant workers walking miles, carrying their children to their homes. Again there were arguments, for and against. A brutal incident of a 15 years old daughter carrying her father home by cycle, pedaling for 1200 km for 8 days was tagged under lion-hearted. It wasn't the message that bothered me the most but there was a common profile of people taking sides. The differences in class amongst friends became visible, with that forwarded messages.

Each day the messages of love jihad, forcing a Muslim man to chant Jai Shri Ram, videos of naked Dalit boys being beaten, harassing Indians from North East, the anger over the death of tiger and elephant but the silence over the rights of tribals and forest laws, became normal. Who qualifies to be an Indian was redefined. Poor students of Government schools who lack guidance and infrastructures were branded as incompetent. Friends you have grown up with were justifying not just arrests but murders of activists like Gauri Lankesh, journalists, and farmers. The differences in kindness, compassion, respect towards other humans, the caste, and religion amongst friends became visible, with those forwarded messages.

While the engagement in friends groups were altered and damaged this way, it was interesting to observe the family whatsapp groups. It was full of forwarded messages that reinforces the traditional way of life. Nothing wrong, as such. But it started with the 'pride campaign' and transformed into the 'fear campaign' and gradually moved into the 'save your culture, at anybody's cost' campaign. I didn't observe it until the messages became so regressive like a video of a person blaming women's education and financial independence for the cultural decline, a message alleging the conspiracy of particular caste men to 'pollute' other castes through marriage, that justifies the killings of inter-caste married couples, 'knowledgable messages' of how a wife should behave to her husband and in-laws, of how a woman should dress, of prayers and fastings to be followed by a wife with which alone the well being of the family will be protected, of how children are neglected by mothers over greed for career, of how the family system is damaged by the women's rights groups, of how crime against women and children are the result of the modern society, of how diseases are the conspiracy of modern science, of how women's body was damaged by the modern household appliances,...

The differences in gender interests and how women are groomed to be taken to the past within the family became visible, with those forwarded messages.

I was not part of the discussions and arguments in any of those groups. But I observed people. Each one of them. Each side. For a woman who was conditioned for 30 years to comply with the patriarchal structures, there shouldn't be a conflict, naturally. Right? But what changed it?  

I feel it is a unique position,

Of being a woman who was not too young to believe manipulations and not too old to comply and ignore, 

Of being a woman who had experienced the regressive past and who aspire to have a progressive future,

Of being a woman who had evolved to a better frame of mind and thoughts that appreciates differences of perspectives,

Of being a woman who has a dream for the quality of life and opportunity, the women and children of this country deserve,

Of being a woman who understood it is more important for a woman to engage, contribute and build a healthy society, which alone can secure future safety,

Of being a woman who still sees hope for a dignified life, of all living beings,

And most importantly,

Of being a woman who realized there is a serious conflict between the essence of humanity one nurtures inside, and the purposes and delivery of the existing social structures of caste, religion, class, race, and ethnicity.

In my 30s I had this choice, 

to continue to align and conform with the majority and, pretend to be happy. 

OR 

to make effort to seek the truth and be real, to preserve the consciousness. 

I chose the latter. 

It is unfortunate that many students of Karnataka had to go through the same, at such young age because many adults of that part chose the other. Today, the real problem in India is not only the right-wing populist government but Indians who compromised the intrinsic value of love and diversity, this land gifted to its people.

 

 

 

Meeting Tears!

I can hear you but can't see. Who are you? She asked.

I'm your tears, the voice said.

Haven't seen you for long. Not even when someone I love passed away, she said thoughtfully.

Yes, we had met only twice in the past decades, the tears replied.

People say it is good to have you but why do I struggle to find you? she questioned and continued,

I do feel. I do feel deep. But the very moment I sense you at the corner of my eyes, you abandon me. 

What happens to you at that moment? she asked her tears, in a puzzled tone.

Girl, don't blame me alone and share some responsibility. Tell me what happens to you at that moment when I am at the corner of your eyes? Her tears questioned back.

She closed her eyes, relived the troubled moments and said, when the times are tough, when there isn't options, when I feel disintegrated, when there isn't a shoulder or hands that I can absolutely trust, when the stakes are high, when I sense the responsibilities I alone can deliver, when I am at loss, and when you are at the corner of my eyes, I move on from that moment. I move on so quickly, to act.  

See, whose fault is it? The tears spoke softly.

No one's fault, it is how I'm made. May be when I was too young I might be lonely that I have learned to cope up by moving on swiftly, out of no choice. I am not certain, though, she said.

No, I have seen you from the moment you are born. You weren't lonely at any point of time. You are surrounded by people, you are the strength behind many, you are stable, you are reliable, you are loved and you are looked upon, the tears said.

Yes, there you got the answer, she replied to her tears. Thats why I hardly see you. But I am concerned too of missing you. Sometimes. I don't remember what it feels, to have you, She said.

You feel vulnerable, the tears said in a determined tone.

I don't mind being vulnerable. I am not scared of it. I can open up. It is just that, I haven't met a person who has more strength, more understanding, non-judgemental, non-manipulative, uncompromising, non-exploitative, values relationship, who has a purpose and a love for life. As she continued, the tears interrupted, 'you are very demanding and you can't find people like that'.

When you precisely know what kind of people you want, when you can search for them with honest intentions, you will find them. I have found few, she smiled.

So I am going to meet soon when you are awake, the tears enthusiastically asked.

Not anytime sooner. The time and distance is a challenge, she said in an unemotional tone.

It is as good as not found then, the tears teased her.

Yes, it is the thing about connecting with the best, she said thoughtfully.

And asked , Hey you said earlier that we haven't met when I am awake. What does that mean?

The tears replied, I am part of you. I know you. I love you. By nature, I protect you. So when you don't take that moment to let me out, when you move on quickly to act, when you don't open up to anyone for what ever the reason, after you had exhausted all the effort of mind and heart, when you fall asleep holding that aqua blue coloured pillow, I secretly, more gently slip out.

The tears replied.

What do you protect me from? She questioned in a detached tone.

From becoming cold !

The tears replied.

We all still strongly believe that giving a good education, a job, and financial independence empowers women. We condition women to have faith, to carry the culture, to stay positive, to have and prioritize family, to love, to nurture, and to care. But how would we feel, when all that isn't enough to protect our child. 

That moment when we have to beg for justice, that is not going to come any sooner and is never going to heal. 

The moment, when we feel we aren't enough and nothing we have is real.

And all this suffering and pain, our child had to endure till her last breath that now, we have to bear it for the rest of our life, is because a man can't behave appropriately to 14 years old? 

What can we do? 

Sex education and sensitivity training to a man in his 60s?

Need new laws?

Need more law enforcement agencies?

Need more functional CCTVs and street lights?

Need more helplines with better response time?

Need more good touch and bad touch sessions?

Need more counselors at schools?

Need more courts, speedy trials, and better conviction rates?

Need more women at the top of every institution, making decisions?

Yes, it all makes things better. It all aids deterrence.

But what stops?

More Poojas? Chantings? Fastings? More places of worship? Joint families?

Or to go back to the glorious past where one can rape 10 years old 'legitimately' by marriage?

Or to ignore as our child's fate or karma?

OR 

To question what emboldens men of our society to do such heinous acts, 

Who was raised in the family system as a proud son,

Who stays and raises his own family in this very same place,

Who practices and identifies with the values of caste, religion, race, and nationalism, 

Who engages with our cultural and social organizations,

Who participates in politics to govern this country,

Who watches cricket,

Yet ending up as a sexual offender, that leaves more than 50% of children of this country as victims of sexual violence.

What is being faked here?

What has to be dismantled and restructured?

What are we missing to do all along for centuries, to live here with safety and dignity?

https://www.thenewsminute.com/article/minor-girl-dies-suicide-after-alleging-sexual-harassment-tdp-leader-160401

Remembering Gandhi

Have heard criticism on Gandhi from professors during college days and friends from different political ideologies. Despite all that, his life continues to inspire me for the internal, healthy conflicts he had gone through, at many points in his life, and was able to travel beyond. People will judge and form opinions on others, alive or not, based upon what comforts their minds. I believe, his life had no relevance to any of it. 

To me, Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi is someone who was murdered for his ideas,

Murdered for holding thoughts, not of his personal life to have materials and titles but of society,

Murdered for the impact he can make on ordinary people of this country, not making to bang pots and pans, but stopping emotionally charged humans from committing the mindless act of violence,

Murdered for not aligning with what is easy and painless, of majoritarian values,

Murdered for not believing in fascist ideas of holding power with politics of hate,

Murdered for hurting the status quo of supremacy,

He is someone who was murdered at the age of 78 years.

In awe, and remembering the ideas, values, and journey of this human, Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi. 

Sitting over the edge of the bed on the first floor of my house, I was watching the last speech of Periyar at his 94 years of age when I heard the sound of something falling off from the tree. Your senses to the sounds around have to be open and sharp if you are living in an independent house. It works great if you get to live on a farm. And you wish it is frozen if you live in a city apartment!

Initially thought to ignore them assuming it to be the usual sound of the fall of coconuts from one of our trees. But the dust of fine wood-like material flying through my window and the noise of squirrels made me look out of the window. I couldn't locate any but the dust and the noise are unusual that made me leave my room and go to our backyard to check. It is a squirrel's nest that I saw from a distance. I don't know what made them fall off but it was flipped over.

I turned the nest and it is empty. When I looked around I found a baby squirrel a few feet away. Is it alive given the fall of the nest from one of our tallest teak trees? When I gently picked it up from the ground, it moved and I placed it inside of the well-covered nest, breathing with relief. I moved back a few feet away waiting for the squirrel to get its baby. To my surprise, a squirrel came halfway of the teak tree but went back quickly screaming. When I thought may it is due to my presence and turned back to leave, a cat was waiting behind near our water well, for me to do exactly that. I was standing in between the nest and the cat now. So, I can't leave till the squirrel picks up its baby and the squirrel is not going to come, having seen the cat and I know I can't outsmart the cat when comes to food. 

So I picked up the nest, moved to the second-floor terrace, walked over the iron ladder to the water tank by balancing with one hand, thanking the long skirt I chose to wear today and holding the nest on the other hand. I placed the nest in a place where the teak tree branches are connected to the building and made a squirrel-like sound to invite the attention of the baby's family. The sound I made was terrible, I should say. That it is terrible enough to invite a few crows now. 

Oh, you guys for the little, defenseless lives, I thought!!!

The thought of how vulnerable their life is, what struggle they go through here to survive, how precious they are, and how each of that life deserves to be celebrated just for being alive here, came through to my mind.

So, I was shooing away the crows now but still making that weird noise to gain the attention of the squirrels. The squirrels have not responded but to my surprise and happiness, the baby squirrel made a soft but high-pitched sound, responding to me. Ok, sometimes I exaggerate. The baby squirrel must be hungry and made that noise. 

It's a baby that can cry, get attention to its needs, and take its best chance to survive. My job has now been easy just to focus on the crows. So I moved back and was looking at the nest anxiously as I have been over the water tank for about an hour now. It is when I felt something was moving on the tree branches over my head. I instantly felt it should have been the squirrel. I climbed down and waited with tiny stones at my hand to scare the crows.

Finally, a squirrel came and checked on the nest and went back into the teak tree immediately. After five minutes another squirrel, a bigger one came and checked on the nest and made a noise. I was standing on that terrace, under the 1pm sun, smiling with content for connecting a family. I left the place for my home. No, I didn't check back for it is the furthest I can go. 

Now, I am back at where I left, thinking of Periyar as a person, 

who had responded to the dust and screaming sound,

attended to the most vulnerable, 

worked to place them in the highest possible position so they can have a safe and dignified life,

shooing away the ones wanting to consume their lives.

Anyone who values respect and dignity for life could understand Periyar's work which is nothing less than magic, to be awed and get inspired from.

Height scares me, sometimes.

Especially when I was in a tourist van in kodaikanal hills, along with friends, and particularly when the driver was steering in reverse, in a narrow lane. I was holding on to the armrest firmly when I saw this view through the window. 

I don't know what spark was that. 

I let myself off from all the holds, pushed my legs towards the front seat just to have some sense of support, reached out for my mobile, and captured this picture when the van was moving back. I don't know what I liked about this view. An old man? That umbrella? The mountains? The trees? The sky full of clouds? Or that moment of pause that you feel in a time of insecurity and fear?

There it is! One common thing in all of this.. the old man, the umbrella, the mountains, the clouds of the sky, and the trees...that they all are rested. 

When we are moving, when we sense fear, when we are uncertain, it is what we always hold on to, the ones that are calm, rested, and rooted!

Picture- Aug 28, 2021 @Kodaikanal

They were traveling in a car, listening to songs. It was a song, Kaadhalae, Khadhalea from the movie '96.

This is my favorite. Do you like this song? He asked.

I love that tune but when I listened to its lyrics, பூரணமே.. பஞ்சவர்ண பூதம்.. காண்பதெல்லாம்... தனி பெருந்துணை...

Somehow it reminded me of Vallalar songs!

She replied.

They both laughed and she continued,

But this song, of the same movie..I don't know why it isn't that popular but actually, it gets to the bone.

She connected her device to the car and explored her playlist for the song, saying,

The flow of the song feels like,

A conversation between the two, without words. Here it is,

She initiates in a gentle way,

He blends in,

Both say how it was lonely without each other,

He continues,

that she is his dream,

that she is magic.

The silence around them,

except for the sound and smell of the night wind.

She whispers to him,

what she likes,

what she wants,

He responds and talked to her in detail that he will be all of it,

They together took that space and time, exploring each other,

holding hearts,

like it is one.

He promised that he will be here,

for her forever,

And did,

What the morning sun did to her,

What the best rain of the season did to her,

Making her feel closest to herself,

And ended it, like there is no end!

The conversation..

Their conversation..

She narrated what she felt of the song and asked him,

Now can you try listening to the song and these lines together?

Yes, I would love to!

He said and thought, how his car moves when the time stands still between them.

 Do our bureaucracy, judiciary, and other constitutional bodies work independently?

- No

Is our media unbiased?

- No

Do our political parties adopt democratic principles for their internal administration?

-No

Are political parties doing their significant role in strengthening democracy, by promoting and giving tickets to people who respect and believe in democratic principles?

- No

Do the political parties rely on an individual's popularity and resources for its win rather than its ideologies and engagement with people?

-Yes

Does a common man know why so many governmental institutions exist and what he can demand from them?

-No

Do the political parties discuss people's problems and road maps to improve things, rather than indulging in mudslinging or negative campaigns on oppositions or dividing people, based on identities?

- No

Does the Government encourage and provide the space for citizens to interact, engage in dialogues and express their appreciation or dissent, collectively?

-No

 Are most of our leaders are populists?

-Yes

Are we, as a society doing well in protecting the rights and dignity of our fellow citizens?

- No

Are we living in a democracy?

Sort of

Are we heading for the better as a democratic nation?

- No!

 You know what is mightier than a mountain and deeper than an ocean? 

She asked her friend, leaning back on the bookshelf of their office.

You always ask when you know the answer. It's our occupational hazard. Just tell!

Her friend replied looking into her eyes, which revealed her sleep-deprived tiredness. 

It's our mind and heart...

At least in a mountain, you can pick up a few stones in an attempt to move them. But not an inch, with the mind from where it wants to be. At least in an ocean, you can collect a few handfuls of water wishing to move them but not a drop, from where the heart wants to be. 

She sighed.

So, you want to be somewhere..Dear, it is quite normal to feel this way on Monday. 

Her friend stopped her work and saw her seriously in an attempt to see what's running through in her mind.

Yes, that's true. I wish to be somewhere. But what I feel is not about that. I want to be here, now, happily working. She told her friend.

Being here, now, despite everything and anything, is a skill. That comes only by practice and patience. Her friend got up from her chair, picked up her mobile, and walked up to her friend saying,

So your thoughts are pulling you back, right?

Yes, she said.

Pass on some lights to those thoughts, send some gentle winds to it, unwrinkle them softly, you will see the thoughts splitting into layers. Observe each of them. Send in more light, absorbing from your surrounding. You will see those thoughts getting deeper and deeper. Just about that time... Now, send the lights from inside of your heart, your guarding light. It isn't difficult to find. It is always there. You were just blocking them. Give space. You will see the thoughts floating now. It is the point of normalcy. You can be here, now... along with those thoughts, peacefully coexisting.

Her friend explained, not seeing her but the entry door, as if she is extracting the essence of some secret from that empty, open space.

Will the thoughts be gone? She asked her friend.

We don't know. But usually, it settles down with time. 

Her friend replied.

Ah, this activity, this process is painful. Isn't there a cure...a permanent one? She inquired.

It depends on what you want. Yes, it is a painful process, every time. And most people choose to become rigid, like a mirror, just to reflect on what they get. But few people have the courage to be fluid, like water, despite what they are thrown into, despite bitter lessons they are taught to, allowing the light, wind, and seasons to play, spoil, unsettle, yet holding on to their core. They alone can stretch and have depth. And to have it is, such a treasure!

Replying, her friend asked her,

What do you want?

The moment she picked up the call, her friend on the other end was weeping uncontrollably...

Why...what happened, she panicked.

Do you remember that boy from college? Her friend asked.

Yes, I remember him! She mentioned his name and the department. 

How can their story in college be forgotten...

The two seemingly introverts falling in love.. walking on the campus a few feet away from each other.. having cool drinks, not one bottle with two straws but different flavors for each of them.. and paying for their own drinks, each time at the canteen. Many weird rules of their relationship, we heard of.

But these two, who never talked at all in the group were always seen talking to each other with active hand gestures, eye contact, composed body language, and a lot of smiles. They were deeply connected and looked beautiful together. In the final year, the boy met her parents. And since then he took leaves on medical ground for months together, wrote exams, and left the city. Never appeared again into her life.

It was 20 years ago. After her suicide attempt, depressed phases, many therapies, she got married and now has a beautiful family with a 14yo daughter and 11yo son.  

She asked her friend, what happened to him now?

He was threatened by my father. Else he wouldn't have left me, she cried loudly.

Feeling helpless, she let her friend cry for some time and said,

Dear, you saw him somewhere now?

            Her friend said, No.

Saw his picture on any social media?

            Her friend said, No.

Met any common friends?

            Her friend said, No.

You had any fights with your husband?

            Her friend said, No.

How is your physical and emotional intimacy with your husband?

            Normal, her friend replied clearing her throat.

She couldn't trace any roots to her friend's situation. She let her friend talk about her story. She gradually moved the conversation to how she felt about herself during the relationship, how she reacted with happiness over small things, how she was sensible about her individuality and had control over her actions, how people are accountable and responsible for their choices despite any situations, how she lost but regained her strength, how she survived all these years, how she created a wonderful family and how her story should always and be only about her.

Her friend said she feels better now after talking and continued with the usual conversations. 

She listened to her friend, watching the muted television. She still couldn't figure out the reason for her friend's thought after all these years. Is it the midlife crisis or the lack of recognition or lack of attention or the feeling of losing the self-identity? 

That's when the scrolling in television says about the honor killing in the neighboring State...

Of course, we live in a society where love is condemned but the sexual abuses and harassment at buses, trains, office spaces, parking lots, lifts, streets,.... and at homes are normal. The children here experiences sexual abuse, a way before experiencing love. 

This is an intensely sick society that enables and normalizes abusers.

            

    I woke up early that morning, not that I was disturbed or that I had a weird dream, but only because I slept early the previous night. It started as a very pleasant morning as I was taking a little walk on the terrace.

     And suddenly heard a sound of a cuckoo. It reminds me of a juvenile cuckoo that we found injured under a tree a few days ago. Its eyes and legs were badly damaged and despite our attempt to save the bird, we lost it. It reminds me of the vulnerability of every life, people that are gone, some by choice and some by death. Except to admit how time designs people around our life, nothing else made sense.

    What a way to start a day, with the thought of death. Thinking, I sat on the steps under the water tank just to realize the first rays of the sun on my face. I saw the rising sun. It was bright enough to blind me for the next few seconds. I saw it again and closed my eyes. I love that feel of the Sun with my eyes closed. From no where had this thought inside me, that I think I have seen enough of people changing shades and withering away. I no longer want to see it.

    Not that, I can't endure more of it but because I am at a point where it no longer matters, to what I do. 

                I wish to see more of life, sustaining, progressing, and thriving. 

    Soon I left home for work. That afternoon I was walking on the corridor of a hospital that I engage with as a consultant, for a long term. The place where everything and everyone is known to me. The Chief doctor is more of a friend and she had requested a meeting at this time of the day. That room was supposed to be the doctor's room but as I moved in, thinking to find her as usual, saw a girl on the bed trying to deliver a baby. The baby's head could be seen already. She pushed hard, screaming. 

   Here, the baby just came out like kissing this world, so known to me. It all happened in like few seconds and I was there utterly by accident. I moved out of the room quickly, still carrying with me the smell of the birth of a new life. 

    As guided, I was climbing the stairs to the new block, smiling behind my mask, 

    not only because of welcoming a life to this world,  

               not only because of seeing how the thoughts and events are connected,

               not only because of how the day progressed to be a memorable one,

               But for, I felt being listened!

Why Women should care about Social Justice?

   When the beautiful, dark skinned princess of Panchala, Draupadi a.k.a Krishne was summoned to the Assembly, stating that Duryodhana have won her, with Yudhishthira being intoxicated with dice and have lost everything, Draupadi without panic, brilliantly questions the messenger, ‘Whom he has lost first, himself or me’?.

    It’s a question very similar to Quo Warranto we have in law, to question a person’s authority to exercise a power. With such an intellectual mind and belonging to the highest social class, I wonder how Draupadi was disgraced so badly in the Assembly of Kings and Noblemen, even after pleading that she was not dressed appropriately to come to the Assembly, as she was menstruating. How was she descended to such a situation?

    Is it because of fate or its just her husband, Yudhishthira is going through a bad phase, to make her a stake at a dice game?  If you are a person with a good conscience and is reading through the Sabha Parva of Mahabharata, you can understand the reason being the poor gender equality prevailed at that time with just two facts,

1)  Well before Draupadi, his brothers, his jewels, his elephants and other things, Yudhishthira puts up a hundred thousand of young serving girls as a stake and will lose them in the dice game. 

2) Every undignified act upon Draupadi in the Assembly was substantiated on a technical ground that she is now a serving or a slave woman who is bound to honour whatever her Master desires. 

  

   I find it beyond my reasoning ability, why did the most virtuous and celebrated men and women of the epic had not abstained from the act of gender inequality and slavery, leave alone working for emancipation of such social evils. Let’s assume what if Draupadi had voiced out to ensure a dignified life for the serving women and slaves of her time, as she had a great influence as a princess? She certainly wouldn’t have ended up with such harassment on the pretext of a slave. What if Prita a.k.a Kunti asserts Pandu to handle his own curse stuff and refuses to give him sons through other ways, against her wish? Women’s Reproductive rights would have been ensured long back.

   These are few instances picked up only for the sole reason that many are familiar with the story already and am just adding a different perspective to them so as to relate to the present day Women’s obligations towards social equality. Otherwise stories such as these are present in all religions, in all countries and at all times. About 1700 years ago in Egypt, Hypatia a renowned and highly influential female Mathematician, Philosopher and an astronomer had the courage to show her bloody menstrual rags to the man to discourage his unwelcome proposal towards her, stating that this is what he really loves. However she was later brutally murdered in a Church, alleging as a non-believer of God by a group of men under the control of the Bishop and her body was dragged and cremated outside the city, as a symbol of purifying the city.

   What transpires through these historical events are if you are a woman, your noble birth, belonging to a higher social class, individual courage, having high moral values, education or the intellectual mind is not going to secure, your dignified life. It is your concern towards the more vulnerable and oppressed section of the society and securing their rights is the key to your freedom and a better quality of life.

   To simplify the concept further, if at all we cared enough about the sexual abuses when it was happening to the women and children living in the city pavements, we wouldn’t have had the situation happening now on the premises of the gated communities. The more we ignore the social problems, the closer we are to experience it of firsthand. 

   So people, when something that happens around you badly affects your conscience, let not your social class, religious identity, political affinity or even the family roles shadow it but react to it, engage and act upon it. Why because, it is only by ensuring the existence of a proper social justice, accessible to all layers of the society, the dignity of female heirs of your family in the generations to come are going to be assured.

To Womankind - How to pay homage to our beloved CM, Dr.Selvi J.Jayalalithaa

        Every time I get to see in television of people paying tributes to Amma, I keep telling, 'Can't believe she is no more', and it has been five days since this great leader's untimely death. It is very difficult for everyone, here in TN to accept this fact and move on. And am personally very much pained to see many whatsapp messages and articles emphasizing her lonely life, bad company, bad decisions, and how she has been always under the influence of someone all along her life, like her mother, mentor and a long time friend; and the stories of conspiracies behind her death. Another string of messages 'advising' us all to run behind family and relatives, to avoid such tragic end in our personal life.

  

    People, come on, stop judging that she should have had a family and she should have avoided the bad people, so as to avoid the suspicious death,etc, etc and please stop projecting that her life is incomplete. I was not felt the need to write this blog, till some of my friends who are young divorced women and single-mothers, said that they feel somewhat insecure. To you my friends, I share my take -away from the great life.

1. A life influenced by others- Yes, it is so wrong to let others decide your life. But it is not a sign of weakness, rather a strong, self-confident person who perceives their loved one to be weak and in need of their support, naturally would opt to prioritize others. Ours is a patriarchal society and we women are so, so used to put others' interest first than that of ours. They say, when love and skill works together, expect a masterpiece. But here we have this extraordinary person who excels on things that is not her passion and proves that even on the life that 'dictates' you with trying situations, you have a fair chance of winning, with a strong heart and mind. Learn that.        
2. Family protects you - This fact is not proved scientifically and clearly disproved by history, especially  if you are in the top echelon of the authority. Anyone with little knowledge of political history couldn't agree more. It is the risk associated with the power. Kindly remember, in situation like this, the gender is of little or no significance. Our iron lady chose not to have the family around  because, she might have found it safe that way, probably in the interest of both the sides. Respect that. For an ordinary women, who prefers to stay away from family, very small steps like not boasting about what you own, avoiding a materialistic relationships, having a proper registered will, networking with like-minded people etc may be of help to a great extent. 
3. Bad Company - On the alleged bad company, we all know our Ex-CM is more intelligent than you and me. She cannot be compelled this long for any reason, with some one's company. We have been hearing the stories of some machinations since 2011. And still for some reason, she prefers some people over others. It is easy for us all to blame that she is not wise enough. But as far as I have seen, this is how the world works, starting from the business entities where manager swindles, to the law firms where some clerks manipulate things for personal benefit. Don't be that naive to think that people on top are unaware of such things. They always know and they are helpless since these are the executing hands, the people on top have to rely on for their smooth functioning of day-to-day deliverables, and as the circumstance demands, the executing skill is weighed over the ethical standards. They do know the risks but this is the best available option for anyone heading an entity. Technically, I will choose a bad company when my external threat is higher than the internal threats or when the benefit derived from the so-called bad company is much more than the risk it poses. Friends, here we have only two options, either to limit our goal so that it requires less or no dependencies from others or to choose a higher goal that needs a team that performs. To choose is my right and no one can judge or sympathize with it, for I know the risks of my choice. 

    So what are we supposed to do?

    I feel, we are so privileged to grow up in a State that was ruled by a strong, intelligent woman. It is more like having a home where a mother decides. Right from the cradle baby scheme to the free bicycle to Govt. school going girls, we are used to some of the finest pro-women govt. policies. Here too the acid attacks, honour killings and other kinds of violence against women prevails but we know it will be handled properly and well taken care of. 

    They say- as is the mother, so is her daughter. Our leader left the world unveiling a great lessons to us. It was said in an article that she helped many kids from very poor background for their education but when they later wanted to meet her to thank for the good life she gave them, none was able to meet her. The message, I can interpret is, my part is over and you just move on. Rather going through the unproved stories of our Ex-Cm's life and death, 

• Pursue your dream, 
• Stay healthy,
• In office, stop feeling insecure with the women co-workers; and be fair and kind to them,
• Even in a smaller way, support other woman in her endeavor,
• Express that you care and share your learning with other women in family/friends/co-workers,
• Establish and maintain a good network,
• Encourage and be supportive to women who leads in your concerned domain,
• Establish a group and make your social participation,
• Learn to independently manage your properties and funds, be it collecting rents, paying property taxes, or making investments,
• Help and guide other women in trouble,
• Whenever possible, if found equally skilled, engage women professionals to perform work/service.
• Smile, because people knows rudeness is an expression of fear.

    Why because, we have the likes of our beloved leader struggling out there, who still have to invoke the motherhood/sisterhood emotions and has to cover them with that long robes, fighting for their safety and to gain equality. And if you happen to see someone criticizing our beloved Ex-Cm's life, tell them she had a grand, meaningful life, inspiring millions of young women and that her life is so complete.  

    

      

Pictures taken by me @ Thiruchendur

Early this year, been to Thiruchendur Murugan Temple 'Masi Festival'. These are the pictures taken from the cottage, where we stayed..

 Hope this is going to be a all-time favourite photo, taken by me...

Almond tree inside the temple premises..was lovely to see the orange and green mix in the bright sun..

My In-laws' home

Whenever we find time, myself and my husband would think of no other places except visiting my In-laws @ Tirunelveli. Here is why..the house is full of trees,flowers,fishes,many unseen insects and believe me peacocks; and most of all, very nice n gentle people.These are the recent pictures taken few weeks ago..

I love this picture a lot and made it as an opening slide for my previous blog on my tamil song...

I've felt very fortunate to have taken this pic, just in front of our rice mill, next to the house.Never seen a peacock this close.And, by the way, it stays in one of the tree in front of our house...

Amazing how this insect's skin just looks like a velvet..

There are still many other interesting stuff around the house.Hope to share soon.