How to impress your spouse?

Today I saw a couple in the Family Court in Madras High Court campus who were waiting for their judgement to be pronounced on divorce by mutual consent.This is a very common view in family court but what disturbs me is the so-called chemistry between these people.They look very young, must be around 23, beautiful, highly educated and rich.When he sees the girl, she pretends to be seeing elsewhere and when she watches him, he turns his back to her.Its more like watching a movie.They look very emotional and desperate to have a glance on each other since this may be the last time they could ever see each other in their life.I really wanted to ask them what is wrong but I know its a bad time to talk on anything.

      So since I do not know the reason for their divorce, I started thinking what makes a marriage successful. Though the reasons may be personal and unique with each individual, there are some basic things, to my knowledge, that I would like to share.

How to impress your wife?


Don't take her for granted -

Don't assume that your wife will love you just because you are her husband. Regardless of what you do, she may do her duties, but love, you have to earn it. Remember your teenage and the tireless efforts you have made to impress your dream girl.What makes your wife different? She is still a girl. Use atleast 1% of such efforts, your wife will worship you.

Managing Expectations -

Most unhappy husbands would complain that his wife don't respect him.The question is since when? Possibly from the time she gets to know you are not what you claimed to be, before or soon after your marriage, in the process of image-boosting.It can never work in the long term.Be realistic and give a clear idea of what you are now and what you want to be in future.

Respect her parents -

For a woman, the relationship among her husband and parents is very delicate.Though, by social norms, she prefers to go on with husband on every issue, her parents are the one who is always closest to her heart.If not love, atleast respect them for no woman can stand any insult to her parents by her own husband.

Managing In-laws issues -
A million dollar question for any married man is whom to support at times of crisis - parents or wife? Honestly, blame yourself for such a situation for -

• Not making your wife clear about the role of your parents in your life, right at the day 1.
• Not obeying your parents but expecting your wife to obey them.
• Not telling your wife about your priorities in life and your parents' position in them.
• Not serving your parents in need but asking your wife to do them. Eg. If you do not have time to serve your bed-ridden parents, how can your wife do it, knowing that they are not your priorities?
• Lying to parents/wife in front of each other.
• Showing your love to either one of them because you have taken the other person for granted.

The above points are not exhaustive but a few for your understanding. If you feel that your parents/wife is at the wrong side, have a open talk and tell them having love for one will not diminish the other's position in your life, for the bottom line for all rudeness is the fear of losing.

Focus on solution -

Having difference of opinions is only constructive and it is ok to have fight.But focus on what is next?Don't look out for options.When u have problem at home, you can find the solution only at home, not anywhere in the world and accept your share of responsibility in the mistakes.Differences and fights are going to be the part and parcel of a family life.So better formulate a strategy for resolving the issues.On one such bad day, myself and my husband went to a beach and sitting in our car, we wrote down a list of things that we hate about each other and strikes down the things that we both can change/adjust.It may look stupid but it really worked between us.Each couple is unique, so find your way of solving the disputes.

Give a Second Chance / Time -

Last week, a girl who has been married only for two months, came to our office with a divorce notice from her husband.When we asked about the real reason, she said that her husband wanted a divorce since she is not modern and fluent in English, and he cannot take her abroad with him.How long would it take for someone to learn English or to groom their personality?Maybe 6 months?He is not willing to wait or to give any chance to this girl."All human wisdom is summed up in two words - wait and hope"-Alexander Dumas Pere.

Believe in the system -

It is very important to have a strong family values to have a strong relationship.Unless there is a question of loyalty or such other serious issues, just stick around and you certainly will find the sweetness of the relationship.What if you don't tolerate?A client of mine who had a second marriage has exactly said the below lines- " I divorced my 1st wife as I could not adjust 10% of my behaviour and now I adjust 100% but still my wife is not happy.I have become so weak that I could not even tell my parents about my problem as my own people will blame me if I failed in my 2nd marriage too".He is so pathetic.It just reminded me, if you do not know how to handle, you could be hurt even by a rose.

Take that little steps -

It does not require a billion dollar to make your wife happy about you.There are some little steps that can substantially improve your relationship, like, sending a 'good day' sms to your wife soon after leaving home in the busy morning.The point you make is she is not forgotten after you leave your home.This would make her feel very secured.

How to impress your husband?


Apart from some of the above mentioned common points and some other that you may find on other sites, I will just share some that I learned out of my experience and exposure.

How to Understand? -

Do you always feel that your husband is not serious about you or life? Believe me.There is no use of behaving like an adult to them.In my opinion, they will never grow beyond their adolescent stage.With age, only their technical knowledge improves but not the behavior.As they will never grow, you rewind your life to the 15 year old and try to find the wavelength.Life would be so much fun and there is not much you can do about it.

Basic Rules -

Ms.Kalyani, who was an Asst. Mgr at ACL has told me about two basic rules for a good wife -

• Learn to cook good food, so that, he will always miss you and wanted to be home, even if he is in some corner of the world.
• Do not blame his people.He knows his people better.

I am always thankful to her for this valuable advice.

Art of Forgiveness -

There is a Tom & Jerry cartoon series where Tom has to get the signature of Jerry in the letter of Forgiveness to gain entry into the heaven and Jerry signs! If Jerry can do why not us? Mistakes are part of man.It is like dog barks;cat meows and man lies!If you want to live with a man, you must learn to live with their mistakes too.Some does in their twenties and some in their fifties but everyone does mistakes.The limit for mistakes depends on man's circumstances.

So folks, these are the things that I know to improve the relationship between you and your spouse.I am not a professional on sociology or psychology.They have been derived out of my common understanding about life and relationships.

If you find that some of the above points are useful, do share them with your friends and encourage stable families.I hate to have that crowd in family courts!